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That truck cuts you off on the highway. A colleague insults you in a meeting at work. Your partner neglects to unload the dishwasher like you asked them to – again. We all know the feeling that follows: Anger.
While anger is a natural response to a wide range of situations, it can easily escalate to negative outcomes if we let it get out of control. Here are five tips to help you manage your anger before it takes over.
Note: While this article focuses on controlling our own anger, several of these tips can also help with someone else’s.
1. Name It
Anger can be easy to name in hindsight, but in the moment, we might not see it for what it is. One of the most crucial steps in controlling anger is to recognize it as soon as possible. By paying attention to the physical and emotional signs of anger, we can catch it before it escalates.
Common signs include that familiar rush in the chest; pounding heartbeat; sudden surge of frustration, irritation or impatience; and sometimes a sensation of loss of control over what we say and do. When you notice these signs, take a moment to acknowledge them. Simply recognizing that you’re becoming angry can help create mental space between the cause and your reaction, giving you time to choose how to respond to the situation productively.
Practical Tip: Try keeping a journal of situations that make you angry, including the physical and emotional cues you experience in response. This can help build awareness of the signs to look for when you encounter anger-inducing situations.
2. Take a Breath
As overwhelming as anger can be in the moment, a single breath can work wonders in turning down the temperature and getting you back in control. When we’re angry, our bodies go into a fight-or-flight response, one element of which is to make our breathing shallow and rapid. Deep breathing can counteract this by activating your body’s relaxation (“parasympathetic”) response, helping to calm your mind and body. This can act like a bucket of cold water on a campfire – while it might not go out entirely, it certainly makes it more manageable.
Deep breathing can be as simple as taking a single, slow breath. A more advanced practice resembles a common recommendation for managing anxiety. You guessed it – square breathing. Here’s how to practice this simple but surprisingly effective technique:
- Inhale through the nose for four counts,
- Hold for four counts,
- Exhale for four counts,
- Hold for four counts and repeat.
Focus on the sensation of the breath filling your lungs for an added mindfulness benefit.
Practical Tip: Practice deep breathing regularly, even when you’re not angry. This way, it becomes a natural response when you do find yourself in a stressful situation. There are also numerous other benefits to breathing practices, so you can expect to see positive effects in other areas as well.
3. Step Away
When we feel anger rising, sometimes the best thing we can do is to remove ourselves from the situation, even just for a moment. Physically stepping away can give us space to cool down and gain perspective – maybe through a round or two square breathing.
Stepping away for a minute doesn’t mean avoiding the problem or pretending it doesn’t exist; rather, it’s about giving yourself a moment to regroup and regain control over your response. Whether it’s going for a walk, finding a quiet place to sit, or even just stepping into another room, removing yourself from the immediate trigger can prevent an impulsive reaction that you might regret later.
Practical Tip: Create a list of places or activities you can turn to when you need to step away, such as taking a walk around the block, listening to calming music or practicing a quick meditation.
4. Talk (Nicely) to Yourself
Our internal dialogue plays a significant role in how we manage anger. When we’re angry, it’s easy to fall into negative self-talk, which can escalate emotions and lead to counterproductive actions. Try to replace these negative thoughts with positive, affirming statements.
For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “This is so unfair, I can’t stand this,” try to reframe it with something more constructive, like, “I’m upset right now, but I can handle this situation calmly.” You can even try complimenting yourself, which can be particularly helpful when we feel slighted or diminished by something someone else did: “You are a good driver,” “You’re good at your job,” “You care about keeping the house clean.” Positive self-talk can help shift your mindset from one of frustration and helplessness to one of control and resilience.
If positive self-talk isn’t something you practice regularly, it can feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable to start. Don’t worry – with practice, positive self-talk can become second-nature and develop into a strong foundation for good self-esteem (in addition to helping manage anger in the moment).
Practical Tip: Develop a set of positive affirmations or calming phrases that resonate with you. Practice saying them to yourself regularly, so they become second nature when you’re feeling angry.
5. Find an Outlet
Sometimes, anger can feel overwhelming, and finding a physical outlet can be an effective way to release pent-up energy. Engaging in constructive physical activity, even if it’s just for a few minutes, can help dissipate the adrenaline and tension that build up when we’re angry.
This doesn’t have to be anything intense—a brisk walk, a quick run or even some light stretching can be enough to release the physical tension. If you’re at home, you might find it helpful to engage in activities like cleaning, gardening or even hitting a punching bag. The key is to channel your anger into something productive rather than letting it fester or become harmful.
Practical Tip: Identify a few physical activities you enjoy and can easily do when you’re feeling angry. Keep any necessary equipment, like running shoes or a yoga mat, easily accessible so you can act quickly when the need arises.
BONUS Tip: Watch Those Drinks
Alcohol, caffeine and other substances can exacerbate feelings of anger, as well as make it more challenging to control them. Being mindful of your coffee intake during the day and drinks while you’re out with friends can help avoid the spikes in irritability that often follow, which can lessen the impacts of anger. There are many ways to moderate our alcohol use in particular.
Wrapping Up: You Can Control Anger
Anger is a natural emotion, but sometimes it can be difficult to control. How you handle anger when it arises can make all the difference in your relationships, work life and overall well-being. By recognizing the early signs of anger, practicing deep breathing, stepping away from the situation, using positive self-talk and finding an outlet, you can take control of your anger before it controls you. These tips may take some time and practice to master, and the more you use them, the better you’ll become at managing your emotions in the moment.
Remember, controlling anger is not about suppressing it or pretending it doesn’t exist. It’s about acknowledging your feelings, understanding their root causes and choosing to respond in a way that aligns with your values and long-term goals. With these tools in hand, you’ll be better equipped to handle anger in a healthy, constructive manner, improving your emotional resilience and overall quality of life.
