Do You Need to ‘Spring Clean’ Your Relationships?

Posted on by WellPower

Spring is underway and it’s the perfect time to freshen things up in your life, like finally going through your closet or deep cleaning your garage. But what about your relationships with the people in your life? While you’re figuring out what sparks joy, now could also be a great time to “spring clean” your relationships and see what’s working and what’s not. 

We Need Relationships in Life to Survive as Humans

Humans are biologically wired to need relationships. In recent years, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness as an epidemic. Loneliness can lead to more substance use and increased feelings of depression and anxiety.

“If we’re not in relationships with others, we are going to be emotionally, physically and mentally unwell,” said Ellie Carpio, LPC, LAC, program manager at WellPower.

But relationships can be rocky sometimes. People change, circumstances change and so do relationships. Compatibility might change over time, but don’t rush to cut someone out of your life if you feel the relationship isn’t as good as it used to be. Research shows that disconnecting from people, especially family, is actually not always healthy.

“We find out who we are when we’re in relationships with other people,” Carpio said. “When someone has a different point of view, we learn about ourselves and our own belief system through that relationship. We also learn things like compromise and negotiation skills.”

There are ways to manage conflict in relationships, such as setting boundaries. Maybe you don’t talk about certain subjects with someone because you know it will create an issue. Or maybe you’re mindful of which friends you can truly trust and confide in. 

“However, there are very valid reasons why someone might cut someone off or completely end a relationship,” Carpio said. “If it falls into a category of abuse, that might make sense.” 

How to Examine Your Relationships

  • Do a self-inventory. Observe the interactions you have with others and ask yourself questions about the relationships in your life. These might be a good starting point:
    • How am I showing up for others and how are they showing up for me?
    • Am I showing up the way I want to?
    • Am I getting what I need from this relationship?
    • Do I have unrealistic expectations?
    • Is this a loving, compassionate relationship?

Maybe some of your relationships are great, and maybe some could use a little bit of work. If you’re not getting what you need from a relationship, there are ways to make it better.

  • Talk to the person using “I” statements. Share how you feel and what’s impacting you. Maybe you feel like you’re not benefitting from the relationship or that you’re the only one who makes an effort. For example, “I felt really disappointed when you didn’t reach out to me when I was going through a difficult time. I felt alone and needed a friend.” Or, “Hey, I feel like I’m the only one that’s reaching out. We’re not talking as much as we used to, and it makes me feel sad.” If someone is receptive to your concerns, it could be a relationship that gets better.
  • Have some grace. Recognize that that person might be genuinely busy or personal things have come up in their life. 

    “I encourage people to lead with generosity, respect and curiosity,” Carpio said. “Let them know that you feel they haven’t been showing up in the relationship the way they used to and ask what’s going on.”

  • Work toward the outcomes you want. What do you want out of the relationship with that person? Recognize what you’re willing to negotiate and what they’re capable of negotiating. If there are disagreements in your relationship, how can you manage that? 

Unhealthy Relationships vs. Abusive Relationships

An unhealthy relationship might be that a person doesn’t return a text or call back. In an abusive relationship, there’s physical, mental or emotional harm going on. What’s unhealthy might not always be abusive. But what is abusive is always unhealthy. 

Resources

WellPower:

If you need support navigating your relationships, WellPower can help. Call (303) 504-7900 to access our services or contact us here.

Colorado Crisis Services: 

  • Call 844-493-TALK (8255): If you are in crisis or need help dealing with one, call toll-free to speak to a trained professional.
  • Text: If you don’t feel comfortable calling, you can also text TALK to 38255
  • Walk-In Center: Find 24/7 in-person crisis support at a walk-in center.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

  • Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
  • Text START to 88788
  • Find more information and ways to get help here.