June is Men’s Mental Health Month, which is a good reminder that people experience mental health differently. You may have seen Dr. Jody Ryan, WellPower’s chief medical officer, on 9NEWS recently talking about some of the specific challenges men face in taking care of their mental health.
We sat down with Steve Fisher, LPC, director of clinical services, and Biko Bloom-Fisher (no relation to Steve), community engagement manager, to get their take.
Why do we need to talk about men’s mental health?
Steve Fisher (SF): There are certain forces in society that emphasize to men that they need to play a role of being strong, and even “dominant” – strong to a fault that becomes dominance. You can kind of suppress your emotions when you’re told you have to emphasize that you’re – again talking roles and stereotypes, here – “in control,” dominant, not at the mercy of your emotions. So that comes across in many respects, and there are many different variations of this in the US. But there’s the general emphasis that men have to be fine and not in need of help.
Biko Bloom-Fisher (BBF): Men’s mental health is intentionally not discussed in a lot of places. Growing up, a lot of the cultural role models are large, stoic men – like Rambo. We’re encouraged to play this role and to be dominant and it discounts the other aspects of a masculine identity or personality, and not foster our mental health.
Where do these ideas come from?
BBF: One, it’s tradition. Somewhere along the line across different cultures lots of men have been encouraged to put away emotions because they had to be providers for a house or get resources to take care of their families. Their role was based partly on interpretations of actual or perceived biological differences. They are told, “This is who you are,” and there’s not room to unpack who you are within that role. Other factors like religion, race, veteran status, socioeconomic status and lots more can impact how we perceive gender and gender roles.
Growing up, popular media taught me what it meant to be a “man.” Davey Crockett, even Gaston in Beauty and the Beast – this is the guy who you want to be, with muscles, etc., but interestingly enough none of the men ever talked about their emotions or times they experienced depression or anxiety or the times they experienced low confidence. It was reinforced over and over again throughout all aspects of media and culture.
SF: And now you’ve got podcasts that do this, and the political tribes – the “Manosphere” – that says you show your dominance to demonstrate that you’re in your “proper” role.
Society has all kinds of offerings on what masculinity is and what men are supposed to be like. What happens, unfortunately, is traits like courage get turned into something else. Bravery becomes recklessness. Assertiveness becomes aggressiveness. These wonderful traits that we might aspire to have as men get exaggerated. Instead of having someone both humble and courageous you end up with a bully. Instead of someone having empathy and accountability and mutual respect, you end up with men who think that being empathetic and caring about other people is not “masculine.” We end up with a caricature of masculinity that doesn’t encompass humane traits.
And this can cause an identity crisis with men. “Am I supposed to be what I’m seeing portrayed in society or am I supposed to be in touch with my emotions? Should I admit that I’m wrong and ask for forgiveness or never admit fault?”
Voices that used to emphasize taking care of neighbors, etc. are now portraying everyone as a threat. The narrative now is that you have to “protect your family” from all the threats and dangers, versus an emphasis on being a good neighbor and community member. Under all the anger there’s often a lot of shame, hurt, sadness, regret and disappointment. It’s easy to stay in that angry mode because society reinforces that. And it can even feel safer – “If I actually let myself become more vulnerable I’ll realize I’m really sad.”
This weekend I was with a man who told me his story, and underneath it after the whole weekend he told me about his dad. I remarked he hadn’t mentioned his dad all weekend and it allowed him to open up. You have to provide an environment for men to talk where they can get more in touch with that emotional component of who they are.
Anger can be both a cover for and an expression of deeper emotions. The way that men are socialized to express these deeper emotions is through anger and dominance. We’re in a self-perpetuating cycle of needing to be powerful and dominant which then contributes to emotional degradation of our personal bonds and getting help when we need it. Is part of this hesitance to get help because not getting help is how we think we display masculinity?
BBF: I would agree with that. I think about dominance even in the workforce. Men are conditioned to come in and move up and take charge – whether at a construction site or a C-suite office. I have a media studies background, so advertisements geared towards men – big, rugged trucks, for example – creates a perpetuating cycle.
My father didn’t have emotionally expressive parents growing up. Raising me, he was just existing how he knew how and he wasn’t a huggy, “love you” guy. Being in the military also influenced that a lot. I was a much more emotionally expressive kid growing up, and wanted to ask for more affection, but I didn’t want to shame him for not being able to respond well, and also didn’t want to seem needy. I didn’t have a way to explore it for a long time until I got older and was able to address it with him. He said something that really stuck with me – that it was “easier to be John Wayne than Fred Rogers.”
Being able to explore that on my own terms and then have that conversation with him as an adult, I was able to unpack those things and redefine what being a man means to me.
SF: 100%. Men live in the world where unless you have something that takes you in a different direction, the inertia is to fall into the stereotypical way that men should live. Well educated, overall nice men still have the idea that they need guns for some imaginary scenario to protect their family. But men do more to protect their families by taking care of their emotions and their well-being every day. If you refuse to get help and to foster that it ends in emotional abuse. There are consequences for men being forced to give up that side of themselves.
We are told that common presentations of needing help are more dramatic like breaking down crying, hugging friends, etc. What are more subtle signs that a man might need more help?
BBF: If you have to consistently tell yourself “I have to be the rock.” It means you’re putting your own emotions to the side and you are building up a well that is going to explode at some point. I kept saying “I need to be the rock” when my child was born because it was traumatic for my wife, and I felt like I couldn’t acknowledge my emotions because I had to be strong for the whole family. Until I went and got help it was really weighing me down day to day and it was probably a result of my conditioning.
SF: Great answer. I think to put on more of a clinical hat, there are some things that wind up being out of the ordinary like, “I’m more depressed or anxious or paranoid or in more conflicts with my partner or I have a tendency to get into road rage incidents” – things that might be a big change from the person’s normal. We’d say to a person, those are not things that we’d typically expect us to have on a daily basis so if you’re feeling this way or behaving this way, a mental health assessment is appropriate to see if something is going on. You don’t have to suffer in silence or soldier on. You can get some help and it will reduce that day-to-day anxiety, depression, stress and potential for conflict.
I run into times when someone has minor symptoms or doesn’t meet criteria for a diagnosis, so they try to just manage it in other ways: substances, excessive working out, workaholism. Anything they can do to manage emotion dysregulation, thoughts, etc. They think, “Oh that’s just part of it and I can manage it and I’ll just use this.” It’s not always what they’re intentionally doing, it’s just how they’ve always existed. They’ve learned how to adapt to their internal emotional experience with coping mechanisms that aren’t always helpful in the long term.
It’s important to keep in mind that some things are normal: grief and loss, for example. But if you’re not giving yourself permission to acknowledge that these things are difficult and are impacting you, that’s a problem. That might not be mental illness in a clinical way, but we still need to give ourselves permission to feel these things. If we don’t, we are carrying around a ton of unprocessed loss every day and it will manifest in difficult ways. If I have to keep stuffing it down and coping in unhealthy ways, it’s going to eventually explode.
What’s the best way for someone to help a man in their life who might be struggling?
SF: Listen in a non-judgmental way and reflect back what you’re hearing them say. Just listen thoughtfully and ask open-ended questions, and reiterate back what you hear. It sounds clinical but people don’t always have someone in their life that will just…listen.
BBF: I find that with my friends, if we’re doing a hobby we have in common it can often foster the best conversations. If I’m playing basketball and someone is on level 10 I can organically say, “man, you’re on a tear right now, is everything going good?” Finding that thing that they enjoy or that you enjoy together as a place to break bread and then inviting them into the conversation, and whatever they give you try to tease it out more.
Finally, where can men go to get help?
BBF: Whoever makes you feel safest. Your b-ball crew at the Y, the coworker you ride the bus with – start there. The people you can be vulnerable and safe (don’t just “trauma dump”). It doesn’t have to be your spouse or your family.
SF: Make an appointment at WellPower. But I also agree with Biko, find supportive people in your life who will help you find some resources that could be beneficial and will also be a part of the solution for you.
BBF: And to my fellow men of color, know that there’s that extra element stopping you from getting help. It is extra important to take your mental health seriously. There are lots of forces that would love to see you become a statistic, and you owe it to yourself and your community to wake up every day happy with who you are.
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